When I woke up his morning, I thought today was going to be a total non-starter. I had an intangible list of things I wanted to do but the harder I thought about doing them, the more I focused on the details, the further away they seemed to retreat.
You know that feeling when replying to a message wipes the floor with you? It sounds so pathetic but it really can knock me for six sometimes and today was one of those. Emails, direct messages on Twitter and texts have swamped my fingers and given me a searing headache on and off as the hours have dripped on by. Yet, as people have advised me today, I’ve taken it slowly and done one little thing which has spurred me on to do one more little thing.
I’m also very proud of myself for conquering two big OCD challenges relating to food. I managed to eat a slice of cake that had a cat hair on the plate which I noticed after the first mouthful but carried on regardless. Ok, admittedly the fact that the cake was utterly divine helped, but still, my mind was racing and my eyes kept darting to the hair as I lifted each morsel of chocolately goodness into the cavern that is my gob. But I finished it and didn’t go and make myself sick or even think about making myself sick!
Secondly, Sophie’s dad offered me a pizza to take home for my dad and I. You know the ones, wrapped in cellophane with a thin cardboard bottom to keep it straight? Well it had teeny tiny holes in the top that I only spotted right before I took the wrapping off BUT AGAIN I carried on and used years of practice to think against my OCD and convince myself that it would be okay to eat. The result? Slice after slice of glorious, cheesy, pepperoni topped goodness. And as before with the cake, I didn’t make myself sick (even though on this occasion I thought about it, but I didn’t do it!) so I’m over the moon.
OCD will try as hard as it can to make you believe, falsely, that you are incapable, that you have to give in, that your only hope is to listen to it intently. Well I have one thing to say to OCD. It can fuck right off! I’m in control (most of the time), there really isn’t anything to fear and it is possible to work around your OCD so that it doesn’t dominate your life. There is hope, help, love and support, and I’m very fortunate to have all of the above in spades.