Alanis Morrissette had it right back in the day. I knew I shouldn’t have thought about it all the way I did today. You reap what you sow huh? Read on for mental health karma and distorted punishment *shrugs*
So I was listening to Jeremy Vine earlier on BBC Radio 2 and he was talking about road rage after shocking CCTV footage was released this week of some road rage in Manchester (it involved a spade!). I thought to myself how silly it must be to get involved in any kind of road rage. LOL. There I was, driving back to Sophie’s after picking her up from uni when someone got irate at me for driving WITH THE RIGHT OF WAY and they proceeded to beep their horn as if it was going out of fashion.
When the opportunity presented itself for them to pass my car, the passenger wound down the window and shouted at me, “You fucking wanker!” with the hand signal as well, just to emphasise the point in case I was a stupid idiot.
Immediately my OCD flared up and assumed that the spit and saliva from the person’s mouth had travelled through the air, crossing the vast gap between our two cars and landing all over the driver’s side door. Now I know this probably didn’t happen, even thinking about it again is making me feel queasy, but my mind was worn out and OCD won.
I had already told OCD to fuck off once today after it told me to make myself throw up after I thought I had eaten some of the food wrapping on the McDonald’s breakfast bagels so my mind was pretty fried.
Anyway, I relented and drove to the nearest car wash where I couldn’t even roll down the window to enter the code and Sophie had to let me back into the car from the inside as I couldn’t touch the door handles on the outside either. Even after the car wash, I still wasn’t satisfied so when we got back to Sophie’s, I went out to the car and wiped down the driver’s side door with anti-bacterial wipes (my constant life-savers) and then had to remove all my clothes, put them straight in for washing and head up to have a shower. Sophie helped (because the shower holder is broken and I couldn’t hold and wash simultaneously in the frame of mind I was in) and it was only after doing all of those things that my mind started to settle.
It’s all well and good people thinking I’m getting better, and it’s not untrue, but I’m by no means recovered at all. I still have moments of utter despair and misery, they’re just few and far between.
If you can take anything from this, please know that although your mental illness will constantly try and chip away at you, you are capable of constantly putting yourself back together and seeking happiness and hope. You are strong enough, but it’s okay to be knocked back a few steps. You can always walk forward again.
Take care as always,