I don’t feel cheerful. I don’t want to start off with a happy little phrase. In the midst of something amazing in my life, it’s so frustrating that I can still feel so upset, sad and hopeless about everything.
So a little bit of context to help you try and understand why my headspace is fucked up…
Relationships are hard for everyone. They’re especially hard for me because of my mental health. Imagine all the worries of a regular relationship, but now picture someone throwing rocks at the boat to try and sink it (the boat being a relationship if that wasn’t inferred clearly enough). That’s what it’s like for me, except my brain is the one throwing the rocks. I find it hard to trust that people won’t run when my mental health gets worse or changes and I act differently. I can’t help it, I’m one of life’s worriers.
This is why it’s so tough when I fall for someone, because my heart is pulling me towards them, hopeful and happy and fearless. But my brain, well he’s having none of it. He’s dragging me in the other direction, kicking and screaming. My nerves feel like they’re being set on fire, I’m feeling butterflies (yes that’s the only way I can describe it) every day and I know that this is something I want to really make work. I mean, c’mon, just look at us!
Yet no matter how fun and exciting it all is, I can’t shake the fear or anxiety that seems to come as part of the package. What’s even more infuriating is that we both feel the same way! Which adds to the whole ridiculousness of the situation because you’d think that would make it simple but it doesn’t. However, it does allow us to talk openly about whatever is going on in each other’s head so I suppose that’s one good thing you could take out of this.
I didn’t want to stop here however I am beyond exhausted and I’m up early again in the morning but she’s worth it.
Basically, if you’re in a relationship or starting one, be open and frank about your mental health because chances are the other person will respect you and support you every step of the way. I am really lucky, because I have that support and emotional compassion and empathy which makes this a whole lot easier.
(Couldn’t not include this. It was Tuesday after all!)