I feel like I’m just circling this thing called life, observing all the goings on without ever really feeling present. Recently, things have been fantastic for me in terms of challenging my mental health issues and getting out of the flat.
I’ve spent pretty much all of this month staying at my friend’s houses in Preston. Now, on the one hand, this has been fab. I mean, I’ve made new friends, had some great laughs and generally had a good time HOWEVER, I haven’t been in the flat a lot so when I am back there it’s a little overwhelming. Can you have a chronic fear of physically being alone? I’m not just talking in relationship terms but like, actually being on my own without having someone to help drag me out of my head, terrifies me. I loathe the thought of being on my own for a prolonged period of time. And I fucking hate it already.
I mean, I’m 23 and if people who don’t know me took one look at my life, they’d think I’ve got it made and that I shouldn’t have anything to complain about. How very wrong they’d be! Okay, so I know that I’m very lucky in some respects but I certainly haven’t got my life sorted out. I haven’t got a job, and I’ll be honest, I’ve never had one. Judge away but you’ll never know what I’ve been through and what I go through on a daily basis. I should, by now, have at least some kind of plan right? A direction my life should be heading?
Don’t even get me started on relationships and ‘feels’ either! When you start to have feelings for someone but you’re totally unaware of how they feel, what is the best course of action? I’d love to be able to get on board with the whole radical honesty business and just talk to them about it because life’s too short and blah blah blah but, what if they don’t like you back in that way and you lose them as a friend? The thought of either one of those outcomes is tragic, because you either never say anything and they could feel exactly the same OR you do and the friendship is never the same again.
I’m trying my best to just go with the flow but in the quiet moments when I’m left with myself for more than a few mintues, it all seems impossible again.
If anyone has any advice on my current situation I would more than welcome any help!