It can’t just be me can it? Do you do it?
When you walk by someone’s window, do you look in and see them living their life and just wonder what it’s like? What they do? What kind of family they have?
I see people and I don’t just see another human life. I see all of the things they could be going through, all the joy; sadness, heartache and elation. And I wonder.
What would it be like to be them? Now I’m not saying I don’t want to be me because I do, of course I do. I just wonder what it would be like if I didn’t have this annoying chemical/neural/physical imbalance/overactivity in my brain.
My OCD virtually brought me to tears the day before yesterday and I’ve only just got round to writing it down because I’ve only just started to feel like talking again. I mean, I know 4 days away isn’t long but I want to keep this up. Anyway, back to the story.
So I returned from the cinema after watching Maleficent (which is above average with the help of Angelina Jolie) and there was a piece of popcorn stuck between my gum and tooth on the inside of my mouth at the back. I only discovered this after I compulsively showered upon returning to the flat. After showering I always brush my teeth but after brushing, the piece of popcorn didn’t go away. Now, for anyone else, this might be annoying but I highly doubt it was as stressful as it was for me. You see, my irrational OCD thoughts compelled and convinced me to believe that unless I got rid of this piece of popcorn, I’m wouldn’t be allowed to go and put my clothes on and settle on the couch.
For nigh on 30 mins, with bleeding gums and 2 toothbrushes later, naked and feeling hopeless and ashamed and embarrassed, I got the popcorn out with my finger nearly making myself sick in the process.
On the brink of tears, sitting on the edge of the bath, I thought about all the people in the world that are lucky enough for this kinda thing to not matter at all. This one small thing that caused me 30 minutes of stress and sadness, and it’s really nothing to worry about at all.
I’m listening to Ludovico Einaudi – I Giorni and his album ‘Islands’ and reflecting on how my life has turned out. There are so many things I want to say, so many stories I want to tell. I just… I wouldn’t even know where to start.