This is always the hardest part for me and in this respect I’m very much like my Dad. Taking that first step seems like the most daunting thing in the world but once you’ve done it? Well, let’s just say the rest isn’t easy but its not Mount Everest either.
Take this morning for example. Some days I rise, lubed up and ready to slide right into the day. This is not one of those days. I had a shitty sleep and was feeling really quite down about things in the wee hours of this morning (hence the blog post) but I’m keepin’ on truckin’ because I just gotta.
And I suppose by now that at post numero three it’s high time I talked about the main impetus for this blog. My mental illnesses. My Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and Depression.
Most people have a good idea of what they think depression is. A lack of energy/willing to do anything. Sleeping a lot. Thinking about one’s own mortality blah blah blah. Well there really isn’t one set of boxes you have to tick to suffer from depression. It varies person to person WHICH IS THE SAME CASE WITH EVERY FUCKING MENTAL ILLNESS. Sorry but that needed to be in shouty capitals (in my head it was anyway, seems a little drastic on screen). For me, my depression mainly hits me in waves of total paralysing surrender to doing nothing. I catch myself lying in bed halfway through the day and I have done nothing and felt like my entire world is ending. I’ll just cry at nothing, or thinking the smallest of thoughts about my Dad and Nan will set me off. I feel constantly exhausted mentally and physically (although my OCD and it’s many contributing behaviours (I dislike calling them rituals) don’t do me any favours). And even when I’m out and about doing things, none of these feelings really subside. Anyway, that OCD thing I mentioned.
I woke up at 06:36, or was it 06:35 or 06:34? Oh I dunno one of them. It’s a little under two hours later and already I’ve showered once and washed my hands eleven times. Eleven times! And I really probably didn’t need to. But my OCD has this grip on me and as much as I manage it, I’ve come to accept that I’ll never shake it off entirely.
I have what is known as ‘Contamination OCD’. For lay people, this means I wash my hands a lot and shower a lot. I am a clean freak. Well you’re not wrong. I do wash my hands an awful lot (infact I’m counting the number of times I was my hands everday this week as a little experiment) and I also shower a lot. But you are also wrong. Yes it takes up a massive chunk of my life BUT it isn’t all I think about. I’m not a freak. I’m not normal eother. Because there is NO SUCH THING AS NORMAL. We are all different. What is normal to you is totally alien to me and vice versa.
As much as I want to keep talking I’m tired again and I have a tattoo booked at 14:00 so I’m gonna try and sleep.
Hold on to Hope (HOTH) peeps. (I think I’m gonna coin that ^^^^^^^^^ I mean no-one else has right? 😉